Kilometers to Go

As someone who has logged plenty of hours in therapy I can honestly say I haven’t reached my complete happiness-normal-functioning-human-being mental health destination yet. In fact I don’t know if I’ll ever reach it. To put it in a mediocre phone app metaphor, it’s like I’m Google Maps. I’m in a data dead zone and I have “searching” written on my screen. It’s not that I cannot get there, but I’m not sure how to get where I’m going yet. I’ve plugged in the destination of Normalville and now I wait, twiddling my hands against my steering wheel begging for the directions to load.

Even if I do not know how to get to the place of complete peace, or if such an oasis even exists, there is a bright side to it all. Today I actually have the app open. I am trying, instead of
sitting at home hoping I’ll magically know the way. Or the opposite of that, when I’m in a worse headspace with depression peaking into my blinds, where I do not even realize anything else exists.

If I had to guess I would assume my journey will begin through the trees of finding my self worth, of seeing myself for who I am instead of what I think should be. And who I think I should be is just wholeheartedly unrealistic. I want to be that bad ass conquering the world and taking names, slaying dragons like anxiety and depression along the way. But my mental illnesses are a piece of me, they’re not meant to be slain. I’m at the point of realizing the biggest gift I can give myself is empathy towards them. The closer I get to actually viewing it that way is one step closer to building my self esteem.

Let’s face it though, building self esteem is fucking hard. Especially when we live in an age of social media, where it’s effortless to compare people’s outsides with our insides. So for today I want to acknowledge some truths about myself. Hopefully it will make me see myself more clearly, instead of as the girl just coasting.

Here it goes:

  • I am a decent mom, who loves her kid to itty bitty pieces.
  • I’m a bit of a hot mess, but that’s also something I love. Even when I’m floundering under stress, and - I have to do 15 loads of laundry because I let it build up so bad, I’m still here. I’m still feeling.
  • I’m an aight writer. Not Hemingway but who could handle all those cats anyways?
  • I am compassionate and will love people until they can love themselves. I’m that annoying friend who will tell you how worthy you are every time you talk to them.
  • I’m good at keeping my pets alive. Yes, one of them is obese buuuuut at least that means I remembered to feed her!
  • I am considerate, and always try to see others perspectives.
  • I am talkative, and also an introvert. I hate being the center of attention (my wedding day was so awkward, for real) but if you are one of my designated people I will babble until I realize you have fallen asleep on me.
  • I am intelligent. I need mental stimulation. I need to be up to date on my current events. And I am an exceptional student. 3.82 GPA whoop whoop! Epidemiology killed my 4.0 but who is keeping track of that? Me, obviously me.

And that’s what I have for today folks. I think I needed that to start getting my destination outlined. Thanks for being here to read my ramblings. For now, I’m out. I’ve written way too much about how great I am and am now feeling self centered and uncomfortable. You know it’s a sad day when anxiety somehow feels more secure than self praise. It’s a journey. Hopefully my Google maps will be up and running soon so I can start driving towards Normalville.