It is okay

Have you ever just felt kind of meh? It is not that the looming beast of depression is hiding behind every corner. Nor do the feelings stem from frustration. They just exist. That feeling of being unsatisfied, of being sort of bored is okay.

So much of my identity is trapped in being a student. There is the lurking reality that I get self esteem from pushing myself to the brink to completely understand health concepts. Without school in my life I struggle to find happiness in the mundaneness of doing the dishes, of making another lunch, or even in decorating my home. It sounds crazy to me that I love the chaos of classes, since I have often felt like I am drowning in them. Yet I cannot seem to shake that feeling of wanting more.

Do not get me wrong I love my family. I adore getting this extra time with my son, and having the freedom to design my home how I want. I like being able to provide a comforting place when my husband strolls in the door from a long day at work, but my mind is hungry. I literally played chess with myself, binge read 4 books in 4 days, and have obsessively been asking Alexa to play classical music after my Flash Briefing.

I do not do well with idle time. I start to doubt myself, my capabilities. I need mental stimulation. I need to feel drive and direction. And right now I just feel meh.

As much as this post contains restlessness there is also a light that came with this. This is the first time in years that I have not been going at lightspeed. I ran away from even the possibility of being idle. Now I have been able to sit with this feeling and know it will pass. It gives me time to find myself as well. To spend time with my son. I have found gratification in being able to cook and not give my family salmonella. I have spent time with myself and really understood what I value and what I need.

So maybe I feel like meh right now, but that’s okay. I will take restlessness over mental unrest any day. And just maybe these moments of generic okayness are actually preparing me to better handle life when things do speed up. Either way, I am grateful to be experiencing this summer and know when things are going at warped speed down the tunnels of textbooks I will miss just being able build lego dinosaurs with my toddler.